my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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