Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
