***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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