Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
