The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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