bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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