Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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