And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
