So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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