I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
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