Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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