I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
