and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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