So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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