I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
