if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
