there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
