the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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