Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
