lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
