she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
as a side note pls kill me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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