I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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