I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
