I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
