im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
