I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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