i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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