the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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