just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
