Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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