did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I need to align my fucking chakras
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
