sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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