I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
