The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize