Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
