I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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