the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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