Your dad touched me again.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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