I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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