I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
