I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
