I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Is her dick bigger than yours?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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