I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize