I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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