That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
