I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
