I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
