IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
