I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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