I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
