Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
