i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
