No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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