I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
