party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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