Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
