I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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