If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
