if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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