I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I want her autograph on my taint
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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