I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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