why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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